Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
