did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
