Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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