you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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