Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize