you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
