She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
