I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
