Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
