he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
