You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
