I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
