Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The air was thick with penises
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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