hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
