I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
