I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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