Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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