Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
