Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
