I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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