if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.