fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's never too late to be topless.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay