A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
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Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.