Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.