I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
