He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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