haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
