Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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