nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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