I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
