seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She even gives head with a lisp.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
