he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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