got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
