the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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