hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
