I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Even my vagina gasped.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
