Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
