Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
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Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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