I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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