we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
