I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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