i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
