I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
