i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Couch. On fire.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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