Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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