I faked an abortion last night.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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