I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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