Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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