im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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