is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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