I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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