I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
