Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
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