From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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