Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
