Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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