His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
