ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
