sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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