Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
