dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
