You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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