I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
