Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
