I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
so much tequila, so little girl.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
